Dunc Gets Tweaked Read online

  Claude pulled on the brim of his hat. “But what if someone finds the skateboard while we’re waiting?”

  “How could anyone find it? No one would think of looking for it where it’s hidden.”

  “No one would want to find it. I’m even afraid to go there.” Claude’s shoulders shuddered.

  “At least it’s safe. Let’s go look at the alligators. It’s nearly feeding time, and I like to watch them eat—they swallow things whole without puking.” They left the elephants and started walking toward the alligator pit. The boys watched them until they were out of sight.

  “We can go now.” Dunc stepped out from behind the tree. Amos and Lash followed him.

  “Now what?” Amos asked.

  “Now we wait by the entrance for them to leave.”

  “What if they see us?”

  “We’ll hide. When they come out, we’ll follow them to wherever the bird is, and wherever the bird is, Maggie will be.”

  “I don’t know if I want to find Maggie anymore,” Amos said.

  “Why?”

  “Did you see how frightened Claude was? Someone or something must be guarding her. If he’s afraid of it, imagine what it could do to us.”

  “Total bummer.”

  “He’s right, Dunc.” Amos nodded. “He says we have to go for it—we do.”

  “He said all that?”

  Amos nodded again.

  “In two words?”

  “Well. You’ve kind of got to know how to say the words the right way.”

  Dunc stared at him for a long time, then nodded slowly. “All right.” He paused. Amos was studying him, running his eyes up and down, then doing the same for Lash.

  “What are you doing?”

  “You two are meatier than me,” Amos said. “If this guardian is something that eats meat, I want to be eaten last. Maybe he’ll fill up on you guys and leave me alone.”

  Dunc shook his head and led them to the entrance. “I’ve got to go get something from home. If they leave before I get back, follow them until they get to wherever they’re going, and then one of you come and get me.”

  “What are you going to get?”

  “Just something we might need. I’ll be back in a few minutes.” He ran across the street to his bike and waved as he rode past them.

  Lash and Amos hid in the trees next to the entrance and waited.

  They were still hiding when Dunc came back with a duffel bag in his hand.

  “What did you get?” Amos asked.

  “Nothing much. Haven’t they come out yet?”

  “No. We’re still waiting. I hate it when you do that.”

  “What?”

  “Have secrets. Like the duffel bag. I hate that.”

  “It’s all right. You’ll find out later.”

  “I just hate it.”

  “Thin,” Lash said, interrupting. “Air.”

  “What?” Dunc asked.

  Amos turned to Lash. “Yeah. They vanished, didn’t they?”

  “They’ll be out,” Dunc said. “This is the only exit.” He joined them in the trees.

  The sun was beginning to set when Emile and Claude finally left the zoo. The boys waited until they were half a block gone, then followed them. The men led them away from the zoo and down toward the river, the part of town where even bikers didn’t go after dark.

  The boys stopped when Emile and Claude went into a shabby apartment building. Amos shuddered—the windows, he thought, look like holes in a corpse. Why would I think that?

  They watched as a light on the third floor came on.

  “Bummer.”

  “Yeah,” Amos said. “Me, too—but we have to go in.”

  “We don’t know if she’s in there.” Dunc rubbed the back of his neck and waited—something he always did when he didn’t want to go into a building where the windows dows looked like holes in a corpse. “Besides, I can’t see us blasting by those two guys. What we need to do is get a look in the apartment and see if Maggie is there, or at least find out if they have the parrot. One of us is going to have to go in.”

  “One of us,” Amos said, his voice flat.

  “Right.”

  “You mean Lash.”

  “No.”

  “You mean you.”

  “No.”

  “Me.”

  Dunc nodded.

  “Bummer.” Amos sighed. “That’s why you brought the bag, right? You brought a grappling hook, and I’m going to scale the building.”

  “I couldn’t throw a grappling hook that high.”

  Amos looked up toward the window. “Yeah, it is kind of a long throw. I don’t think I could make it, either.”

  “I didn’t bring a grappling hook, Amos.”

  “Then what did you bring?”

  “I figure the only way we can get in the apartment is to be disguised.”

  “Maybe we could pay someone from off the street to go up there.” Amos dug in his pocket. “I’ve got fifty cents. What do you guys have?”

  “You’re going up, Amos.”

  “Please. No. Why?”

  “Because you’re the only one that can fit in the disguise. Besides, you love acting.”

  “What do you mean, I love acting?”

  “Don’t you remember when we were kids playing cowboys and Indians? You used to always be the Indian and run out of the house in your underwear with a feather in your hair.”

  “Rad.” Lash smiled. “Tubular.”

  Dunc unzipped the bag and took out the costume. It consisted of a robe and a flesh-colored skullcap.

  “What disguise is that?”

  “A Hare Krishna.”

  “A hairy Krishna? I don’t know a thing about hairy Krishnas.”

  “They’re a religious cult. Go up to the apartment, and try to sell them some flowers or something. Try to find Maggie when they open the door.”

  “This will never work.”

  “Sure it will,” Dunc said. “You’re a tremendous actor.”

  “How do you know?”

  “Because you’re tremendous at everything you do.”

  Amos studied Dunc’s face for a long time, then he nodded. “You’d lie to me.”

  “Not this time.”

  “Right.” But he put the robe and skullcap on. The breeze caught the robe and blew it out away from his body. He look like a badminton birdie standing on end.

  “I don’t have any flowers.”

  Dunc moved into a nearby vacant lot and came back with a handful of dandelions. “Here.”

  Amos took the flowers and started walking up the stairs to the door of the apartment building. “I have a question.”

  “What?”

  “Why do they call themselves hairy Krishnas if they shave all their hair off?”

  “I don’t know.” Dunc pointed at the door. “You’re stalling.”

  Amos sighed, straightened his shoulders, and went into the building.

  It was dark in the hallway. Amos knocked on the door once and heard Emile and Claude fumbling around inside, but no one opened the door. He knocked again and waited. Something moved in the dark end of the hallway. It could have been a rat. Or a Doberman. Or a Buick. He held his breath.

  He heard a latch move, and the door opened. Claude stood in the doorway with his hands on his hips. He was frowning. He still had his raincoat on, and Amos couldn’t see past him.

  “What do you want?”

  “Hairy Krishna,” Amos said. “I represent the Church of … of …”

  “The Church of what?”

  “The Church of the Holy Disemboweled.” He shifted his feet. The toes of his cross trainers stuck out from beneath the robe.

  “What do you want?”

  “I want to know if you’d make a contribution to our church. It would go for a worthy cause.”

  “I don’t give my money away. I don’t do anything nice.”

  “But you won’t be giving your money away. You’d receive these beautiful flowers along wi
th our appreciation.”

  “Those look like dandelions.”

  “Sure, they look like dandelions, but they’re not. They’re special flowers from the mountains in India. They’re magical.”

  “Magical?” Claude scratched his chin, then looked over his shoulder. “Emile, do you want to buy some magical flowers?”

  Emile’s head appeared over Claude’s shoulder. “They look like dandelions.”

  “That’s what I said. What do you mean, magical?”

  “These flowers are guaranteed to freshen your apartment forever, and you don’t even need to add water. Let me show you.” He ducked between Claude’s legs into the room. It was dank and darker than the hallway, and it took a moment before he could see well enough to look for Maggie or the parrot. They weren’t there, and he turned to leave.

  Emile and Claude were blocking the door.

  “See?” Amos smiled. A tiny smile. “It smells fresher in here already.”

  “It doesn’t smell any different to me.” Claude eyed Amos suspiciously. “Who are you, really, and what do you want?”

  “I’m—I’m—”

  “What church did you say you were representing?”

  “Church? Did I say church?”

  Claude took a step toward him. His hands were clenched into fists the size of bowling balls.

  “The Church of the Holy Disemboweled,” Emile cut in. “Don’t be a dummy, Claude. Just take a whiff. I think they do make a difference.” He reached into his pocket. “I’ll give you a dime for them flowers.”

  “A whole dime?”

  “What, that’s not a good price?”

  “Well—”

  “You’re right. Do you have change? Two nickels for a dime?”

  “No.”

  “I’ll tell you what. I’ll give you a dime now, and you bring up another bunch of those flowers later.”

  “All right.” He stepped toward the door. Emile stepped aside, but Claude wouldn’t move.

  “Why are you in such a hurry? Don’t you like our company?”

  “Sure I do, it’s just that I have to—have to …”

  “Have to what?”

  “Shave my head. It’s getting a little stubbly.” He rubbed the top of the skullcap.

  “Let him by, Claude,” Emile said. He pushed Claude to the side. “If he wants to leave and shave his head, let him leave and shave his head. Don’t interfere with other people’s religious beliefs.” He let Amos squeeze out the doorway. “ ’Bye.”

  “ ’Bye. Hairy Krishna.”

  “You too.” He shut the door.

  Amos ran down the stairs and out the door. Dunc and Lash were waiting for him.

  “They didn’t have the parrot or Maggie,” he said. “Now what do we do?”

  “The pet store,” Dunc said. “We’ll try the pet store in the morning.”

  The pet store had just opened when they arrived. The parrot wasn’t in the window.

  “Can I help you?” The store owner stepped from behind the counter and looked at them.

  “We were wondering what happened to the old parrot you used to keep in the window. Did it die?”

  “No, it didn’t die. It—wait a minute. I remember you two. You’re the ones who tape-recorded my parrot. You made him talk for hours. The poor thing had laryngitis for a week.”

  “That’s us,” Dunc said. “Is he all right?”

  “I think his throat was sore—he kept asking for mouthwash and repeating a phrase I learned in the navy. Other than that, he was fine.”

  “Where is he?” Dunc asked.

  “I sold him to the zoo a month ago. He’s in the new tropical bird and monkey exhibit.” The store owner busied himself straightening the shelf of kitty litter. He was obviously in a hurry for the boys to leave.

  “Thanks,” Dunc said.

  “Don’t mention it.” He looked down his nose at the boys. “You’re not going to tape any of my other birds, are you?”

  “No.”

  “Good.”

  “So long.” They left the store.

  “Pets. Tripper.” Lash waved as they walked out.

  “So now we go back to the zoo?” Amos asked.

  “Where else?” Dunc nodded. “It figures with all those bird droppings on his coat that they were from the bird house at the zoo, doesn’t it?”

  “Rad.” Lash nodded. “Droppings.”

  “The zoo,” Amos repeated. “Where the monster that eats meat is waiting.”

  “We don’t know that,” Dunc said, starting off in the direction of the zoo. “Not for sure.”

  “I do.”

  “Meat,” Lash said. “Total.”

  “No,” Amos said, his voice sharp. “When it’s your meat, it isn’t total.”

  “Rad.”

  At the zoo they looked for the bird and monkey exhibit, and they found it in a matter of minutes. They came to a large cage full of trees so thick, they couldn’t see the far side. It was also filled with the music of singing birds, and monkeys were climbing through the branches and over rocks on the ground, squawking at each other. There was a large pile of rocks in the back with a small cave in the side.

  A big chimpanzee was sitting at the cave entrance scratching its armpit. It looked at Amos and puckered its lips.

  “There it is,” Dunc said. He pointed to one of the trees in the front. The old parrot was sitting on a branch with its eyes closed, not moving. As they watched, it opened one eye, looked at them, belched, and went to the bathroom all over a baboon that was sitting underneath it. The baboon screamed, and the parrot mimicked it.

  “Now it swears in baboonese too,” Amos said. “Can I borrow your helmet and glasses, Lash?”

  “Rad.” Lash handed the helmet and glasses to Amos.

  Dunc watched. “What do you need those for?”

  “If we’re going to be anywhere close to that bird, I want to have as much of my body covered as possible.”

  “Come on, Amos—there’s nothing to worry about.”

  “Right.” Amos snorted. “Tell that to the baboon.”

  The parrot looked at them but didn’t say anything.

  “Bird,” Lash said. “Awesome.”

  “You should hear it talk,” Amos said. “You wouldn’t believe some of the things it can say.”

  “Ear me.”

  Amos whispered something in his ear.

  “Rad.” Lash smiled. “Body parts.”

  Dunc peered through the bars. “I don’t see Maggie anywhere,” he said.

  “Bummer.”

  “You guys be careful,” Amos said.

  Dunc looked over his shoulder. “Be careful about what?”

  Amos pointed at the parrot. It was standing on one foot and eyeing them intently.

  “He can’t hit us from there.”

  “I wouldn’t bet on that.”

  “All right,” Dunc said, “Emile and Claude must have gone into the cage.” He moved to the cage door and tried to open it. It was locked.

  “Do you suppose they have a key?” Amos asked.

  “They might,” Dunc said, “but it seems to me the zoo keepers would keep a pretty tight hold on cage keys. They wouldn’t want just anyone going into the lion cage.”

  “They must wait until the door’s unlocked,” Amos said.

  Dunc looked into the keyhole. “When would that be?”

  “When they feed the animals,” Amos said. “They usually feed them in the evenings and mornings.”

  Dunc walked back from the cage and stepped into the bushes on the far side of the walk. “Let’s wait in here.”

  “Why?”

  “If the only time Emile and Claude can get in the cage is when the animals are being fed, they might show up now.”

  “Good idea.” Amos and Lash joined him.

  They hid themselves just in time. In a few moments they heard the screech of wheels badly in need of oiling, and they saw an old man with a big gray moustache pushing a cart loaded with every kind of animal f
ood in the world. He was singing loudly and so badly out of tune, it almost screeched.

  “It’s making my teeth loose,” Amos said.

  “Be quiet.” Dunc poked him.

  The old man stopped in front of the bird and monkey exhibit. The animals started hopping up and down and chattering excitedly.

  “Calm down,” the old man said. “It’s not like you haven’t eaten for a week. And quit jabbering so loudly. I’m not completely deaf.”

  He took a key out of his pocket and unlocked the door, but he held back and didn’t open it.

  “Here, Kissing Gertie.” From the top of the cart he took a banana and threw it through the bars. It landed in front of the pile of rocks. The big chimpanzee smiled, picked up the banana, and began eating it, smacking its lips. With its mouth full of banana it looked to where Amos was hiding and smiled again. Crushed banana goo squeezed out between its yellow teeth. The man opened the door and pushed the cart through. Shutting the door, he moved toward the back of the exhibit. All the animals except the parrot and Gertie followed him. Soon they were all lost in the trees. The old man had left the door unlocked.

  “Let’s go,” Dunc said. He stepped out of the bushes.

  As they went into the cage, Amos looked at the parrot. It was watching him with a funny look his face. He’s smiling, Amos thought—he’s giving me a parrot smile. He pulled Lash’s helmet tight down on his head, adjusted the sunglasses, and followed Dunc and Lash into the cage.

  “Maggie must be in that little cave,” Dunc said, pointing. Amos followed his finger. The chimpanzee had disappeared, leaving half its banana by the cave entrance.

  “Where’s Gertie?” he asked.

  “She must have gone with the other animals. Come on.” He led the way back toward the cave.

  There was a sudden guttural scream out of the trees behind them, and Amos jumped at least four feet in the air. He turned around just in time to see a huge furry creature with arms that looked a mile long leap out of a tree and grab him.

  Whummph!

  The creature’s face was only an inch from his. It pulled its lips back to reveal long yellow teeth. He managed one short scream as the mouth came toward him for what he was sure would be the kill.

  “Ah-hmmph.” His voice was muffled by loud smacking sounds as the creature wrapped its leathery lips around his face. He tore his mouth free for a quick gulp of air and a cry.