Amos Goes Bananas Read online

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  THE COOKCAMP, Gary Paulsen

  THE VOYAGE OF THE FROG, Gary Paulsen

  THE BOY WHO OWNED THE SCHOOL, Gary Paulsen

  THE RIVER, Gary Paulsen

  THE MONUMENT, Gary Paulsen

  THE WINTER ROOM, Gary Paulsen

  HOW TO EAT FRIED WORMS, Thomas Rockwell

  HOW TO FIGHT A GIRL, Thomas Rockwell

  YEARLING BOOKS are designed especially to entertain and enlighten young people. Patricia Reilly Giff, consultant to this series, received her bachelor’s degree from Marymount College and a master’s degree in history from St. John’s University. She holds a Professional Diploma in Reading and a Doctorate of Humane Letters from Hofstra University. She was a teacher and reading consultant for many years, and is the author of numerous books for young readers.

  For a complete listing of all Yearling titles, write to Dell Readers Service,

  P.O. Box 1045, South Holland, IL 60473.

  Published by

  Bantam Doubleday Dell Books for Young Readers

  a division of

  Bantam Doubleday Dell Publishing Group, Inc.

  1540 Broadway

  New York, New York 10036

  Copyright © 1995 by Gary Paulsen

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without the written permission of the Publisher, except where permitted by law.

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  eISBN: 978-0-307-80387-0

  v3.1

  Contents

  Cover

  Other Books by This Author

  Title Page

  Copyright

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Amos Binder was standing in his bathroom as his best friend for life, Duncan—Dunc—Culpepper wrapped the third roll of gauze bandage around his head.

  “Ouch! You’ve got it too tight.” Amos tried to get a look at himself in the mirror. “Don’t you think you’re overdoing it a little? I already look like a reject from a bad Egyptian movie.”

  Dunc frowned. “Hold still. I’m practicing my half-hitch, four-tail triangular wrap. Lucky for you I just learned it in health class last week.”

  “Yeah. Real lucky. Maybe next time I could wind up in traction, and then you could really have fun.”

  “The manager at Peterson’s department store said there better not be a next time. In fact, he said he never wanted to see you anywhere near the store again.” Dunc tied a double knot on the top of Amos’s head and pulled it tight. “It was all I could do to keep him from calling the police.”

  “You didn’t have to tell him I had just come out of brain surgery and the anesthetic hadn’t worn off yet.”

  Dunc shrugged. “It was the only thing I could come up with on short notice. Maybe you had a better story for explaining why one side of your face got mashed inside the cash register at the service desk?”

  “How about the truth?” Amos pulled the bandage apart near his left eye so he could get a better look at himself. “It’s not a crime for a guy to answer a telephone page. I would have made it, too, if I hadn’t landed on that roller skate when I jumped over the counter. How was I supposed to know that I would slide headfirst into the cashier’s drawer at the exact moment she tried to close it? It could have happened to anybody.”

  Dunc carefully rolled up the unused gauze and put it in the medicine cabinet. “I heard that page, too, remember? They said there was a telephone call for a Mr. Walter Kolwoski.”

  “Kolwoski and Binder are very close. They both have ‘i’s in them. Besides, I was expecting a call from Melissa about our field trip to the Monkey Farm tomorrow.”

  Amos had decided a long time ago that there was only one girl in the whole world for him. Her name was Melissa Hansen. He was positive that deep down she really loved him, too, but she just hadn’t managed to get around to telling him yet. Every time the telephone rang, he was sure it was her calling to tell him that she had finally come to her senses.

  Dunc sighed. “Amos, Melissa doesn’t even know your name. And besides, it’s not a Monkey Farm, it’s called the Center for Understanding Primate Intelligence Development. You know, monkeys reading and counting, that sort of thing. They call it C.U.P.I.D. for short.”

  A dreamy, faraway look stole into Amos’s eyes. “A perfect spot for our first rendezvous. You know how it works in the movies, Dunc. Fate throws two people together and bingo—they start looking for a house.”

  “Fate isn’t throwing you two together. Mrs. Burnbottom, our science teacher, is. She said we either had to go on the field trip tomorrow or stay at school and write a fifty-page essay on the complete circulatory system of the adult acorn worm.”

  “Whatever.” Amos waved his hand. “The point is we’ll be together.”

  “Not really. There will be at least a hundred other kids out there, not counting Mrs. Burnbottom.”

  “Details.” Amos studied himself in the mirror. “Do you think my face will be normal by tomorrow?”

  “No. But I don’t think it will matter much. Mrs. Burnbottom put us all into study groups.” Dunc opened the bathroom door and walked across the hall. “You and I are in the same group … along with Herman Snodgrass and Agnes Dorfmyer.”

  Amos’s shoulders slumped. “How could this happen?” He followed Dunc across the hall. “Maybe I’ll stay at school and write the report.”

  “Why?” Dunc sat down at his desk. “I hear this C.U.P.I.D. place is kinda neat. You could be missing out.”

  Amos made a face. “Herman Snodgrass eats boogers, and Agnes Dorfmyer, well, let’s just say I wouldn’t volunteer to be within a hundred miles of her if we were the last two people on earth.”

  A smile tugged at the side of Dunc’s face. He tried not to let Amos see it. “I heard around school that Agnes really has a thing for you. Tony Davis said that yesterday she chased you all the way down the main hall. He said she would have caught you, but you ducked into the boys’ locker room.”

  “I’ve made up my mind. I’m definitely writing the report.”

  “But what about Melissa?”

  Amos folded his arms. “Nothing you can say will convince me to go now. Melissa’s just going to have to be disappointed.”

  Amos slid down in the bus seat. “I can’t believe I let you talk me into this. I’m beginning to wish I still had those bandages on. Is she still waving?”

  Dunc looked back. Agnes Dorfmyer gave him a toothy grin. She was bouncing up and down in the seat and pointing at Amos. “Yeah. I think she wants to talk to you.”

  “I may kill you.” Amos sank lower in the seat. “Whatever you promised me—it’s not worth it.”

  “I didn’t promise you anything. All I said was that my mom was having a tea for her garden club on Saturday and that Melissa Hansen and her mother were invited.”

  “You’re forgetting the part where you said that if I came with you on this field trip, you’d fix it so I could go to the tea too.”

  “Oh, right.”

  Amos grabbed his arm. “You are going to fix it, aren’t you?”

  The bus went through a tall chain-link gate with barbed wire on top and stopped in front of a large brown
building. There were several buildings around with people wearing white coats and carrying clipboards walking in and out of them. One was even carrying a monkey with a diaper on.

  Dunc sat up to get a better look. “We’re here, Amos.”

  Amos pulled one side of his coat over his face. “You go ahead without me. I’ll just sit here and concentrate on being invisible.”

  “Binder!”

  Amos heard his name and jerked to attention. He looked up into the fiery eyes of Mrs. Burnbottom. She was standing over him glaring and shaking a long, bony finger in his face.

  “Straighten up and fly right, Binder.”

  “Yes ma’am.” Amos thought about asking her if she really thought it was physically possible for him to do that, but decided that right now might not be the best time.

  Mrs. Burnbottom moved to the front. “All right, students, listen up. When we get off the bus, find your study group immediately. Stay with your group until the tour is completed. Do you understand?”

  There was a small chorus of “Yes, Mrs. Burnbottom.” The aisle started filling with students trying to get off the bus.

  “Come on, Amos.” Dunc pulled him to his feet. “It won’t hurt you to take a look around. You might even learn something.”

  “I’ve already learned something.”

  “What’s that?”

  Amos looked out the window. Agnes was still smiling at him, and Herman Snodgrass was standing by the bus with his finger up his nose.

  “Never listen to you!”

  “Many of the trainers and researchers here at C.U.P.I.D. think of the apes and monkeys as their closest friends. And it’s amazing the effect that kind of care has on the ability of these animals to communicate and learn basic skills.

  “In this next section you will meet our largest and wisest primates here at the center, the gorillas.”

  A young, intelligent-looking man wearing a white coat like the ones they had seen before was leading the tour. He had already taken them through the lower monkey house and past the orangutans and chimpanzees here in the ape house.

  “These animals may look quite cuddly, but I must ask you to stay well back from the bars for your own safety.”

  Amos plodded along at the end of the group like a condemned man. Agnes Dorfmyer hung on his arm and chattered nonstop like one of the monkeys. Dunc was taking notes on the experiments, and Herman made faces at the monkeys in each cage they passed.

  “Look at this one, Amos.” Dunc stopped in front of a cage larger than his living room. It was furnished like a house, and there was a computer sitting next to one wall. Another computer was on the outside of the cage. He typed in a message.

  Hello. My name is Dunc.

  They heard a loud squeal, and a large female gorilla came bounding out of a small square door in the back. She ambled across the floor and stopped in front of the keyboard.

  Hello. My name is Louise.

  “Did you see that, Amos? They’ve taught her how to talk to us.”

  Amos shook Agnes off his arm and moved closer. “Ask her something else.”

  Dunc typed in another message.

  Nice to meet you, Louise. How’s it going?

  Louise squealed and then typed:

  It’s the pits. Louise wants out!

  Dunc stepped back. “This is unbelievable. She can actually understand what I’m saying to her.”

  “Aaa-mos.” Agnes took his arm again. “The rest of the group is already in the next hall. Don’t you think we should move along?”

  “Good idea. You and Herman catch up with the group. We’ll be there in a minute.”

  Agnes put her nose in the air. “Mrs. Burnbottom said we had to stay together. Besides, I want to get a picture of you with Louise.” She held up her camera.

  Amos rolled his eyes and blew air through the front part of his hair. He turned to face her. “Look, Agnes, I don’t want my picture taken with a lousy gorilla, I—aaagghhh!”

  While Amos had his back to her, Louise had reached through the bars and grabbed him around the throat with one hand. She worked his head through the narrow opening, then jerked the rest of him in like a rag doll.

  Once she had him inside the cage, she started tossing him up in the air. Before he could hit the floor, she caught him and threw him up again.

  Agnes and Herman ran down the hall to find the teacher.

  On the next toss, Amos screamed. “Dunc! Do something!”

  “I don’t know, Amos. The tour guide said we shouldn’t get too near the cages.”

  “Get me out of here.”

  Dunc moved to the keyboard and typed:

  Louise, put Amos down.

  Louise looked at the monitor. She stuck her lower lip way out and then dragged Amos by one ear over to her computer.

  Amos and Louise playing.

  Amos looked dazed. Dunc shook his head.

  Amos doesn’t want to play. He wants to go home.

  Louise cocked her head and looked down at Amos. She turned back to the keyboard.

  Louise will go home with Amos.

  Dunc shook his head again.

  No. Let Amos go. Louise cannot go home with Amos.

  Louise started squealing again and beating her chest with her free hand. She ran up and down the cage floor, dragging Amos behind her. Then she spat through the bars at Dunc, slapped the floor, and disappeared with Amos through the small square hole in the back of the cage.

  The class watched as two workers led a shaky Amos out of the cage. His shirt was in shreds, he walked with a limp, and one eye was swollen shut.

  “Are you okay?” Dunc asked.

  Amos stared at him with his good eye. “Louise likes to play ball. I was the ball.”

  “How’d they get you out of there?”

  “They gave her a different ball. A real one.”

  “Binder!” Mrs. Burnbottom marched over to him. “I’m so embarrassed. How dare you disgrace our school like this? I expect an in-depth report all about the acorn worm on my desk first thing Monday morning. All right, class.” She turned stiffly and clapped her hands in the air. “Back to the bus. On the double.”

  Most of the students stared at Amos as they shuffled by. There were a few snickers, and a couple of the kids pointed. Agnes Dorfmyer didn’t even look at him. She went to the bus with her arm tucked in Herman Snodgrass’s, chattering all the way.

  Amos leaned his head back. “Well, that’s it. My reputation is shot.”

  Dunc didn’t say anything. He was standing over the computer keyboard talking to Louise.

  “That’s just great. Melissa must think I’m a total geek, the pushiest girl in school would rather be with Herman Snodgrass than me, and my best friend is having a conversation with the stupid gorilla that beat me up.”

  “She says she’s sorry, Amos.”

  Amos glared into the cage. “I hope she is.”

  “She still wants to go home with you.”

  “Tell her I wouldn’t take her home if she were the last … what am I saying? She’s a gorilla, for crying out loud. Just tell her to forget it.”

  “Aw, shucks, Amos. Look at this.” Dunc moved to the side so Amos could see the screen.

  Louise loves Amos.

  Amos closed his eyes and slapped his forehead. “That tears it. Now I have a gorilla in love with me. Come on, we’ll be late for the bus.”

  “Wait! She’s saying something else.”

  Slowly, Louise typed a new message.

  Thurman must die. Saturday—five o’clock.

  Dunc knocked on the door and waited. In a few minutes it opened. Amy, Amos’s older sister, stood there looking out at him. “Yeah?”

  “Is Amos home?”

  “He’s upstairs supposedly doing homework. Of course we all know that’s impossible, since you have to have a brain to do homework.”

  Dunc had known Amy almost as long as he had known Amos. And during that time, he’d never heard her say one good thing about her brother. She told people th
at he wasn’t really part of the family, that he was only living with them as part of the witness-protection program.

  Dunc moved past her. “Don’t worry, Amy, I know my way up.”

  He took the stairs two at a time. When he reached Amos’s room, he didn’t bother to knock.

  “You’ll never believe what I found out.”

  Amos was lying on the floor tossing paper wads at the trash can. “No. But I bet you’re going to tell me.” He threw another piece of paper, which fell on the floor with the rest.

  Dunc looked around for a clean spot on the bed. There wasn’t one, so he moved some dirty clothes out of the way and sat down.

  “According to the paper, Senator Ross Thurman will be making a visit to our town this weekend.”

  “Whoopy-do. Am I supposed to care?”

  Dunc pulled the article out of his back pocket and smoothed out the wrinkles. “It says that while he’s here, he’ll be taking a tour of C.U.P.I.D.”

  “I hope he has better luck than I did. Maybe Louise will be busy tearing someone else apart.”

  “Amos, you’re not paying attention. The senator is supposed to arrive on Saturday.”

  “So?”

  “So, that’s what Louise told us, remember?”

  “Good for her.” Amos scribbled something on a piece of paper. Then he made a face, wadded the paper up, and threw it at the trash can.

  “Don’t you get it, Amos? Everything Louise said is true. Which means—”

  “Which means you have a plan. Which means it involves me.” Amos stood up and stretched. “Which means you can forget it.”

  “Come on, Amos. This is a life-and-death situation. Someone’s planning on assassinating the senator, and we’re the only ones who know about it.”

  “If you’re that concerned, why don’t you call the police?”

  “Right. What am I going to say? That a two-hundred-pound gorilla told me all about it?”

  Amos shrugged. “All I know is that I have a fifty-page report due Monday because of that dumb gorilla.”

  Dunc looked at the pile of paper near the trash can. “Is that what you’ve been working on?”